i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Its about making memories worth repressing
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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