you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
50% drunk capacity currently
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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