Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You ruined the universe
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
So apparently I’m into choking now
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
