How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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