Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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