My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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