I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
