i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
