Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
