Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
