moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm just crazy horny about you
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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