I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
