Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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