The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
