im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
