I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
