I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
