You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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