If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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