if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
