Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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