so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
