I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
