I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
