Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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