somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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