New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
