dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
