I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
