There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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