is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
