apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
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Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
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BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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