and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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