If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
