so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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