At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
