Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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