I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
