Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
