holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
