you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
