someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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