theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
