stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
