she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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