You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
