last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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