I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Four minutes until I can fart!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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