Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
