bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
