She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
