The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
