my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
