I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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