I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
