I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
