remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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