I didn't shave. On purpose
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
