I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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