my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
