My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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